Reflections on Rebel Love

I am so excited to share with you some thoughts on Rebel Love from Dr.Chris Donaghue. He is a Los Angeles based therapist that was formally trained in Sex therapy, but after encountering the pathologizing techniques of formal training went his own path. He has gone on to speak internationally, write two books and challenge damaging sex norms. He is an activist in his community and works with clients to undo the damage negative stories and expectations have caused. Here are some important take aways. In bold is his message and words and then below my reaction to them.

Dating advice is outdated: We see dating from a capitalistic point of view IE to get something materialistic dating someone instead of building a relationship.

I hadn’t ever thought of this before, dating from a capitalistic perspective, but it is so true. We see relationships as a thing to be checked off, a partner to be got, not something to be nurtured experimented with through compassion and playfulness. I wonder what possibilities would open up for people if they started embarking on dating for exploration rather than to obtain a product.

Sex addiction often leads to sex anorexia and sex phobia. He states can people have problematic relationships with sex, yes addiction, no.

Could not agree more! Diagnosis is damaging. Labeling something as sex addiction can harm our sexuality and self esteem. The person is not the problems the systems they have come into contact with are. We need to work outside the therapy room too, reworking our relationships with harmful arenas like social media, magazines, diet programs and other influencers and replace them with resources that support our goals and new beliefs.

It’s not New Year New You, its New Year Learn To Love You

In this podcast Chris holds nothing back in attacking the destructive standards that society has for our bodies our relationships and our sex. What an awesome mantra. His message is clear its not time to change you, its time to change your thinking if society has you thinking you’re the problem. When we locate the problem outside the person the results are moving. Its about time we start thinking out of the box and fighting back against the ideas that kept us locked in our insecurities!

Were always enter with this pathology based mindset when we see something creative and diverse its about seeing the health in that

Here he is discussing how pathologizing therapies continue to judge clients when they see something out of the norm. If people are doing things that feel good and improve their lives who are we as therapists (or anyone) to challenge that we should be the first to embrace. I think its bigger than just embracing. We must help them work towards this by being an active participant in breaking down these walls. When we fall into tired stereotypes and don’t challenge old modalities, we become part of the problem. Be curious with your clients explore the ways that you can break the stereotypes together and strengthen spirits and communities. They come to us hoping for acceptance, hoping for answers. We must help them find their truth. And we must always prioritize that different is beautiful, it is healthy and it is real.

CONSENT + COMPASSION! Good sex is ethical sex. Its not enough anymore to have sex with people who are open to having sex. I also want people to think about how is this going to impact them as well. Remember we are all humans!

We talk so much about consent these days, which is great! However, many people get bogged down with the culture of fear that exists around the possibility of engaging in a nonconsensual experience and the “how to” of how to have these conversations. Some people feel they now have to have a degree in being pc (politically correct). While I try my best to adhere political correctness, if we are loosing folks in the process because it feels to heavy, are we missing the point? If our focus is less on getting laid, hearing a yes or seeing a nod and more on centering care and compassion, doesn’t that changes things! When these topics feel digestible, more people get to have positive and enjoyable sexual experiences and less people find themselves interacting with fear, pain, and disappointment because something went wrong along the line of communication.

Therapy is Activism! Its 2019 you can’t be a therapist and not an activist he says.

I was attracted to Narrative therapy, because I had a passion for change a deep rumble that said DO SOMETHING. Therapy felt like an avenue to pursue this. It feels like complacency to keep things secluded to an hour on the couch. We must be bold, we must be loud and we must be a voice with our clients to protest the systems that bring them down. We must be active in our creation of a safer world and a better place.

Listen to the full episode here http://www.theradicaltherapist.com/podcast.html