How to Survive a Relationship During Quarantine (or Really Anytime of Heightened Stress)
Four months into quarantine and a lot has changed, and a lot feels the same. One of the ways to survive isolation is through healthy relationships. This can be tough when you feel stuck, exhausted and stressed. The Gottman’s are known for their breakthrough research in couples and relationships. Brene Brown is known for her research in trust and vulnerability. Below are some tips based on their work that will help you get through the coronavirus isolation.
Step One, Avoid the Four Horseman
The Gottmans talk about the Four Horseman as a way to describe the four biggest causes of distress and breakup in relationships. During crisis and stress, it’s even easier for these to show their face. Lucky for us, to resolve them they offer antidotes as well.
1. Criticism: Verbally attacking personality or character.
Instead: Try a gentle start up, using I statements.
2. Contempt: Attacking sense of self with an intent to insult or abuse.
Instead: Build a culture of appreciation.
3. Defensiveness: Victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame.
Instead: Remind yourself of positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing to avoid contact and convey disapproval, distance, and separation.
Instead: Take a break and spend that time doing something soothing and distracting.
Step Two: Redefine Expectations (for you and your partner)
Redefine expectations for both you and your partner. When things are normal and everyone’s cup is full, we may be able to handle all the expectations of life. We have the energy to brush off little comments, and step up for our partner. However, when life throws a curveball (which it often does), stress is heightened, our energy is drained and suddenly everything feels harder. We can’t always change the outside circumstances, but we can change the inside.
Here is where resetting expectations is crucial. Maybe you rely on your partner to do the dishes and they don’t get done or maybe you rely on your partner for emotional support when you are down and they aren’t there for you. Whatever it is, during times of crisis, it isn’t always possible to do things like we used to.
Okay, pause.
Evaluate, redefine and reset. Take a hard and honest look at what is realistic to expect and what isn’t for yourself. Have your partner do the same. Then redefine, sit down with your partner and find out, what must still happen and what can be reconsidered. Once you have both done this, the relationship and you can take a deep breath and reset with these new set of expectations.
Step Three: Listen to your brain and talk to your partner
Listen vs problem solve.
Be a tourist in your partner’s heart. Be curious when they begin to tell you something.
Be your partner’s ally during co-habitation. Try to limit the things you criticize them for.
When you are in fight or flight (survival mode), you can’t listen.
Stop and take a break. Remove yourself physically from your partner and self soothe.
If things get heated, continue later at an agreed point.
Talk about the history of commitment in their family when they were growing up and future hopes for your relationship.
Play together, explore a new hobby or continue one you love together.
Anchor yourself in the future. Find things to look forward to!