Honoring your story in initial conversations: The Wonderfulness Interview.
If you’ve ever been to therapy before, you're probably familiar with the grueling paperwork required before you start your sessions, sometimes requiring hours of assessment and recollection of mental health history. If you are an experienced goer of therapy, you know the drill. You may even have a pre-rehearsed monologue ready to recite when you walk in the door. You're not the only one who finds the process less than ideal, at best, and degrading and dehumanizing, at worst. Rarely, does this initial input ever reveal anything positive about the client. I’d like to introduce you to the way I work with new clients that reflects the values that are important to me.
As we settle into the session, I might begin by asking about your past experiences with therapists. It’s often useful for me to know if these past experiences have been helpful or not, and specifically, in what ways. Then, I will let you know that I do things a little differently than you might be used to. After this gentle warning, I’ll say, “Tell me a few things that are wonderful about you.” Many times, new clients respond with laughter or a moment of pause. “Huh? No one has ever asked me that before”. This is a common reaction.
In therapy, chances are you have focused on the problems in your life that, despite all your hard work and efforts, won’t resolve. I have utmost respect for your courage in your continued battle against this problem. However, sometimes, when we focus so much on the problem, it consumes the session and we lose sight of the parts of you that are fully alive. In our first meeting together, I want to direct my, and your, attention to those aspects of you, and give them a chance to shine.
I regularly encourage new clients to share a story about a time they really felt a specific wonderfulness come alive? You might share a story about cheering up a friend and taking them out for lunch when they were having a tough day. I’ll want to know about how this wonderfulness has served you, how it has been on your team and supported you. In what ways has your wonderfulness been a strength in your life?
Often, our wonderfulness’s have meaningful beginnings. We may have been born with it or it may have been gifted to us from a family member, mentor or friend. I like to ask, “Has this always been with you or has it recently developed?” This wonderfulness, most likely has impacted you, and those around you in many ways. I encourage all my clients to reflect on the ways it has contributed to your current and past relationships.
As we dive deeper into this conversation, we often discover all kinds of wonderful ways you are surviving, and even thriving. It allows us to celebrate these important moments, and reaffirms the determination you have fighting the problems you're experiencing before introducing them to me. In times when these problems seem to overwhelm our lives, remembering ways in which we are wonderful can help take away power from the problem and help us navigate your pathway to healing.
*The process I just shared was developed primarily by David Epston one of the founders of Narrative therapy.